'Through the clothes I see the scars the ones the bullet left behind, its ripping you apart to a broken shell inside I understand it's too late to save you now but take my hand honey I'll make it alright take my hand you're safe with me tonight. The shadow left behind won't satisfy my need, don't force that smile because It's not true, the shattered the broken this life undue, charmed beyond meaning suffocated by dark are you sure that love can't penetrate the cage around your split heart. Cause without you I'm nothing, don't break this brittle heart its beating to save your life not end the cunning war…'
Knocking back another shot I glanced to my side as the venues manager, Tom hopped excitedly onto the bar stool beside me 'So, what do you think?' he paused looking back at the stage to see the new band trying to keep the performance together. The music is okay, the lyrics need working on, but to be honest I can't be bothered to even try to explain the ins and outs of lyrics especially after the day I've had 'I think… I think I need another drink.'
Leaning across the bar I picked up the whiskey bottle and poured myself another large measure. Tom stared at me when I was about to take my fifth shot, stopping my hand as i began to pour 'mate, come on… you don't want to do this.' I shook my head this is exactly what I want to do I want to get pissed and then wake up tomorrow with no recollection of today 'No Kellin, this isn't the answer to your problems.' He tugged the bottle from my hands and kept it a distance away from me as I whimpered like a small child trying desperately to get it back.
'Oh for God's sake give me the damned bottle already!' I lunged for it as he shook his head 'What would Vic say if he knew…' the mention of Vic Brought tears to my eyes and I bit my lip to stop them spilling onto my cheeks. 'He wouldn't be proud would he?' I gave up trying to reach the bottle and swivelled round on my chair to face the bar again holding the cold glass in my hands watching the last drop of amber liquid run around the base. 'Do you think he wants you to sit in here and drink the night away?'
'Vic doesn't want anything anymore.' I mumbled letting the drop roll from the glass and onto my tongue. Tom sighed 'Kellin, he wants you to be happy and to stop fucking around with your life, you need to get a hold of yourself and back to your family and friends…'
My grip tightened on the crystal glass 'my family is gone and I don't need them friends there the reason my family has gone… or did you forget that?' I spat glaring at him before looking back at the marble surface in front of me.
'Your family has not gone what about your mom and dad, your siblings?' I bit my lip. 'They're not my family though, my family consisted of me and my fiancé. And now I've lost him so why should I bother.'
'Kellin, there's no point sulking, you've got a life to live out there…' he pointed at the door '…a band that need you, fans that need you…'
It was no use I couldn't hold back the tears, anger and sadness forcing their way out of my eyes I stood up still clenching the glass 'Shut up.' I warned 'I HAVE A LIFE! VIC DOESN'T! MY BAND NEEDS ME? WELL PIERCE THE FUCKING VEIL NEEDS VIC! AND IF MY FANS NEED ME, FUCKING HELL DON'T YOU THINK VICS FANS NEED HIM?' I pausedmy body shaking with anger as my breathing became more rapid and shattered.
Tom Stared at me with wide eyes 'dude, calm down, it's no big deal….'
'NO BIG DEAL? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?' I stood up holding onto the counter 'MY FUCKING FIANCÉ DIES AND YOU TELL ME ITS NO BIG DEAL?' I pressed my mouth shut in disgust shaking my head before looking him in the eyes before hissing 'His heart isn't beating that's a big deal!'
'I just don't think Vic would want you rotting away in here every night, he wouldn't want you to sulk about it and you've got to move on…'
I closed my eyes 'it's been fourteen days…' I hiss before glancing at my watch 'fourteen days eleven hours and fourty three minutes since I saw the love of my life's heart go flat line. DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!' I snapped my head up and stared into the mirror, for a moment I see Vic stood beside me his hand on my shoulder as he looks at me with large hopeful eyes.
I turn to my right struck by the fact he isn't there and he's never going to be again. My heart twinges as I glance back and see Vic's somewhat shocked expression, his mouth moves to say 'Kellin' but I don't hear any sound because he isn't here and that's the hardest part. My eyes keep fixed on the reflection my blood coursing through my veins giving me a harsh reminder that I'm alive, very much alive 'dude, fourteen days is enough time to pull yourself together, you went to the funeral you got to say goodbye…'
'YOU HAVE NO IDEA!' The glass that had been in my hand flies from my grip and shatters into the mirror breaking up the ideal image of my boy still being here. Turning on my heel as tears stain my cheeks I run from the hall, away from the commotion away from tom, I just want to be alone, well I don't… I want to be with Vic.
Tripping into the bathroom I let a sob escape my lips as I bundle myself into a stall and slide down the wall hugging my knees in an attempt to comfort myself, nothings ever simple is it? nothing can ever go as it's planned, not around me I'm a failure everything I touch breaks I don't deserve to be happy…that's why this has happened, because I'm a curse a bad omen to all who get close to me I should just jump off a fucking bridge…
'Don't do that…Don't you dare do that…' I heard Vic say soothingly, I stifled another sob looking up at the door, he stood there dressed in his usual hat, black pants and a shirt, not believing my eyes I put my head in my hands to shield my tears, I knew I was going mad from the moment he'd left. 'Kellin…I said don't do that baby…'
I took a deep breathe looking back at the image before me 'why not? I d-don't have you, I d-don't have anyone…'I cried as Vic walked towards me through the cubicle door and crouched in front of me 'you do have me…' he pointed to my chest 'in there, I'll always be there.'
I shook my head in disbelief 'y-ou're not real! L-leave me alone… wh-y do you want to do this to me…' I cried before burying my face back into my knees. 'you're not re-eal anymore.'
'yes I am…' a hand reached over and rested on the back of my head before being quickly removed 'look at me baby… please Kellin…' I looked up to be met my Vic's beautiful eyes, the colour so intense and healthy, I could easily mistake him for being something more than my imagination.
Vic placed his hand on my cheek, the warmth confusing me and sending silent tears down my cheeks. 'y-you're here? You're b-back?' Vic's eyes closed momentarily before looking back into mine shaking his head. 'no baby… I'm not…'
'I don't understand…' I cried putting my hand onto his, his skin soft and convincing. I thought you were dead I thought inwardly looking away from his face for a few seconds to his chest. 'I…I am…' Vic mumbled 'But I'm still here… I made a promise…' he held up his left hand showing me his ring finger the engagement ring sparkling in the light. '…to be there when you needed me, and that's what I'm gonna do… just not physically.'
I swallowed not fully understanding the situation I was in. My dead fiancé was here, I could see him, feel him yet I had buried him just hours ago with his best friend clinging to my arm as if his life depended on it. 'I'll always be here for you baby…' he sat beside me keeping a hand on my knee 'I'm gonna look after you forever and always.'
'How?' Vic squeezed my knee gently as I turned to look at him.
'I'll always be in there…' he pointed to my chest again '…In your heart, we're soul mates I'm not gonna fully leave you…'
'I don't want you to leave at all….' I cried, Vic put his arms around me and I leant into the comforting hug, it was a few moments before he spoke. 'Kellin, you know I love you right?' I nodded taking in the familiar smell of Vic's hair, the sweet smell was calming. 'if you love me… you'll move on in time, find someone to make you happy again…' I looked at him shocked '…please… for me?'
I shook my head slightly in despair 'I won't forget you…'
'I don't expect you to honey… just be happy…I was happy with you, now it's your turn to make someone else happy…' Vic returned to crouching in front of me 'make them feel fireworks when you kiss them, live to make them smile and to see that sparkle in their eyes, never go without a kiss goodnight…'
I was biting on my fist to hold back tears when he took my chin to look into my eyes '...and then maybe one day you'll fall in love again…I want that to happen, because I'm you're angel now, I'm gonna look after you… everything happens for a reason Kellin even if you don't see it now…' I shook my head how he could think him dying happened for a reason other than the cruel act of another human was beyond me. 'We made memories…I loved you Kells…Nothing in the worlds gonna take that away from you…'
'I loved you more.' I whispered as he leant in closer to wipe away the tears with his thumb. He took my hands in his kissing them gently.
'If you love me more baby… you'll let me go…' I gasped slightly, the tears not falling as constant as I tried to pull my thoughts together.
'Is…is that what you want? Y-you want… to leave me?' Vic looked down at the floor away from my eyes before nodding. Reluctantly I answered with what I knew he wanted to hear 'I'll do anything if…if it'll make you proud.'
Vic looked up with a sheepish smile 'I am proud of you, I saw you at the service… the way you looked after Jaime… what you said to tony… how could I not be proud…' I smiled tears filling my eyes again.
'I love you Vic…'
Vic reached forward pulling me into a kiss, the perfection catching me by surprise before I held him close to me. As he pulled away his eyes locked with mine 'Merry Christmas baby…' He took my hand sliding the engagement ring onto my finger. 'Have a very happy new year…' he kissed my forehead before turning and walking towards the exit.
'Don't forget me…' I pleaded as he began to fade away into thin air, his footsteps slowly fading,in the far distance I heard a faint echo of his voice. My heart fluttering with comfort.
'Not in a Million Years.'